Last year I rode the Rutland and Beyond Audax. It was cold but went really well. This year was different.

Since the start of the year, and a tiny bit of last year I haven't really had the motivation going for rides, especially road rides. The weather has been completely shite but it's more than just that. I signed up for the audax anyway, since it gives me a good reason to go and ride. I thought it might help, and it probably did.

I rode somewhat regularly in January, I did ~400km which isn't bad for thinking I did nothing. In the lead up to the event on the 15th Feb I did a 60km ride as my furthest, and a few 45-50km rides here and there. Nothing was making me enjoy riding for more than an hour, and usually that was just riding fast enough I wasn't thinking (that was definitely the case for the 100 km as fast as I can ride.)

The day before was a cold, but nice day. I went out for about an hour and a half, and was feeling okay, but well before this ride I'd decided I wasn't going to finish the day after. The weather for the first time I did the audax was wet, but warm. The year after cold, but dry. This year it was cold (-3) and raining, sleeting, snowing, all sorts of bad weather. I knew I was going to pull out early because I couldn't be arsed to push through that, especially with no backup plan once I got past Borrough Hill at 20km in. Both my parents were away so couldn't pick me up from a cafe if I had enough.

The good side to this is that I decided I was going to go, and that's kinda what this post is about, reminding myself that it's okay to fail, and it's okay to not complete things. In the end, I went out, so I did more than I would have done on a day like that.

I got up, rode out to the start only a little wet at the time. I had a biscuit and a malt loaf mini, and a chat with Phil who would be at the second cafe stop to give stamps out.

The start came a bit late, as always, as nobody wants to be the first to leave. I rode with the fastest at the front, giving some turns, as I knew I could do that for the shorter distance. I was sort of between groups in a few places, and it was climbing through the rolling hills at 10km that I knew I wasn't completing this for sure, absolutely. I still had a tiny thought in the back of my mind that maybe happiness would strike and I'd pull through to the end (I made sure to pack as if I was going to complete the event). I had great fun following the wheels and going a bit fast, chatting to people, but as soon as groups split and I was on my own I knew it wasn't happening.

I got to the first stop to answer the question "What time is the collection on Saturdays" to my card. Some just took a picture, most just remembered it. I lost enough places, but was happy to write it physically on my card as well as take a picture. I plugged on further here, originally this was where I was going to turn around and head home, but I was feeling okay enough so I decided to plug on up Burrough Hill and see. Half way up the hill, as I was just spinning away the hail and sleet came down, and I realised my feet were soaked. My legs were wet, and the wind was freezing my legs. I got to the sports rehab centre, phoned in my exit, and carried on to the village to turn around there, taking the scenic way home.

It was cold, and there was one point the sun came out for about 30 seconds where I thought I might have made the wrong choice, but honestly it was a nice weight off me knowing I was just heading home.

When I got home I'd done ~48km, which is between the distance from the start to the first stop, and from my home to the first stop. Definitely glad I didn't continue. From the first proper stop at Rutland Water you're better off completing the route than going backwards. It's nearly 50% of the way through (45km/103km) but there's nothing between the start and Rutland Water, where finishing puts you to the second cafe stop at East Carlton and there's plenty of riders around just in case (you don't see them until you stop).

All in, I'm glad I signed up, I'm glad I went, and I'm glad I called it a day. Hopefully with some riding and some offroading and a bit of luck and sunshine I'll be loving the sport again soon. I've loved watching the cyclocross all winter, that's for sure.

So I'll sign up again for this next year, and I'll give it another go.

Let yourself fail things, it's okay. Sometimes you need that so you can complete something else tomorrow.